A couple years ago, I learned about codependency, and that I was codependent. I don’t know exactly how it began… I remember when my cousin killed himself that I vowed no one would ever feel that lonely and desperate if I had anything to do with it. That was probably a turning point for me. I already felt like I had no worth – but I decided that I would continue living to give others hope, and that was how I measured my worth.
For me, the worse I was treated, the more I needed to stay and help/save people. I found myself in situations of drug abuse, neglect and emotional abuse. I could not fathom that people didn’t know how to treat others, so I made excuses for them, tried to teach them, and took care of things for them so that they had less on their plate.
All of my partners were happy for me to cater to their needs, appreciative of the things I did, and said that I was so wonderful – until they didn’t. At a certain point, I had lost myself to the relationship, and was identifying only as the person who helped them stay well. I had set the bar so high for myself that I forgot I existed outside of it.
I became obsessed and over-giving, upset when taken for granted, and sad to feel so alone. I would stretch my boundaries, compromise my values and lose interest in my hobbies. I felt broken and lost. And to my partners (who only valued me for what I did for them), I was just a pain. They were attracted to me because of my personality and ability to manage myself and help them, and they couldn’t handle me when I lost myself and was clinging to them so tightly.
For months after the breakup, all I could do was justify how much I did for them, and cling to hope that we would be reunited. It would often take me up to a year to regain my sense of self (without identifying as a victim). It was a long, hard road, each and every time.
Eventually, I vowed to never let someone catch me in that trap again. I decided to be independent. I started a business, I had a solid group of friends, and my own hobbies. I stood up for my values and worked hard for what I wanted. But I was more or less an island. Eventually, I found someone I felt connected to, and I repeated my old pattern of codependency. Luckily, this time, it led to me waking up and finding myself in a powerful way.
After my familiar few months of turmoil, I realized that I had settled for less than I deserve all over my life. I moved out of a toxic living environment, let friends who seemed not to care about me fall away, and chose to trust the Universe to catch and carry me to a better life. Now, I am living by myself (over a year now) for the first time in my life, only relating to people who value me and pour energy back into me, realizing my goals, and doing work that is fulfilling to me and helps others (in a healthy way).
Over the course of one year of coach training, I learned about: my Essence, learning and leaning into my values, beliefs and boundaries, and authentically relating to others. Learning about ontology (the branch of metaphysics dealing with the study of being) has helped me realize who I truly am and how that impacts the world around me. It also helped me understand the unaligned language, beliefs and emotions I held about myself, and how that impacted the results I got. (I.e.: if you’re acting out of a belief that you are unworthy, then no matter what you do, you will attract opportunities to feel unworthy/worthless. If you’re acting from a place of scarcity, then no amount of working and earning will ever create having enough. Etc.)
From this new space (reflecting on what is true to me and what I want, as well as who I need to Be and what actions are aligned with both that Being and my goals), I am seeing a new world of interdependent relationships develop. I am aware of the value of my Being, and attracting others who see my value. I am appreciating others, sharing authentically and experiencing intimacy, growing both as an individual and in my partnerships, and being selective in who I spend time with (not needing lots of people around me to feel worthy).
I am utilizing the following, reliably and consistently:
- Active listening, healthy boundaries, and clear communication
- Taking personal time for interests, and taking responsibility for my own behaviors and emotions
- Being vulnerable, engaging with and responding well, and using approachable body language
- Saying “no” when I need to
- Not hiding parts of myself to please others or make them comfortable
All of the above is generating relationships where I am: understood and understanding, respected and respectful of others, continually creating a stronger sense of self and encouraging others to do the same, honest and supportive, being truly accepted, and able to work on and grow myself, as well as encouraging those with whom I relate to do the same.
This journey from codependence to interdependence has been one of the most rewarding of my life. It was not an easy one, but was worth the effort. Falling in love with myself (and working on that relationship daily) is the best thing I’ve ever done – and it has led to invaluable relationships, as well.
If you recognize yourself as codependent and know that you have unhealed trauma, please get the help of a counselor or therapist. If you’ve already worked through your past pain and are ready to regain your sense of self and align with healthy relationships, please contact me today! I am here to support you in rediscovering who you are and building the life you dream of!
Recent Comments