We are all familiar with the word independence, as society teaches us to be independent and do for ourselves. Many people are becoming familiar with the concept of codependence, and it seems to be a buzzword these days. We are generally less familiar with the concept of interdependence. In this article, we will discuss the meanings, differences, signs of, and ways to be each of these. My hope is that you can more easily identify where you are on the spectrum of dependence, and choose where you want to go on it.
About Codependence
“Codependency” is casually used to describe someone who is needy or dependent on another person. In reality, codependency is a relationship between two (or more) people in which one person (the “enabler” or “taker”) needs the other partner, and that partner (the “codependent” or “giver”) needs to be needed. The codependent partner’s self-esteem and self-worth come singularly from sacrificing themselves for their partner, and they plan their entire lives around pleasing the enabler. The enabler is glad to receive the codependent’s services. Codependent relationships often include emotional and/or physical abuse. Although friends and family may recognize that something is wrong, it can be difficult to get through to the codependent partner, as they tend to lose their own self-identity when in this type of dynamic.
Previously, codependency was thought to originate between parent and child, or between a person dependent on the care of another and the caregiver. Now we recognize that these relationships (while likely originating between the aforementioned relationships) can be between romantic partners, family members and friends alike.
It is worth noting that there are healthy dependent relationships, and dependency is not the same as codependency. In healthy dependent relationships:
- Both parties rely on each other and get value,
- Both people enjoy the relationship and can have external interests, and
- Both are able to express their emotions and needs and work individually to enhance the relationship for one another
In codependent relationships:
- The codependent feels worthless unless needed by the enabler, and the enabler is satisfied by having their needs met,
- The codependent has no personal identity outside of the relationship, and
- The codependent doesn’t express their needs and desires, as they feel they are unimportant in comparison to the relationship – they may eventually have trouble even identifying their own feeling and needs
Symptoms of codependency include:
- Only having an identity within the relationship
- Staying in the relationship even when hurt
- Ignoring loved ones’ advice and perspectives
- Doing what the partner wants, regardless of personal morals, values, needs or desires
- Feeling guilty when thinking of themselves
- Anxiety from trying to please the other partner
- No satisfaction outside of the relationship
- Making excuses for the enabler/taker and taking over their obligations
- Trouble setting boundaries and being assertive
The enablers/takers in these relationship dynamics tend to exhibit emotional immaturity, mental health problems and addiction.
Treatment requires time, effort, and often the help of a clinician. Individual and group therapy can help a codependent person explore their feelings and behaviors. Creating some separation in the relationship, such as hobbies and activities can be helpful, as well as spending time with loved ones. And acknowledging the patterns of behavior is always the first step to creating structures to break the pattern.
Achieving Independence
Being independent is a great step in recovery from codependency. Independence is, “the state if being independent,” while dependence is, “the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else.” In other words, being independent is about freedom from being ruled by another person.
Independent people are clear about who they are and what their boundaries and needs are. By knowing themselves, they can more easily determine whether another person is positive or negative for their own wellbeing. This creates a stable foundation for any relationship they choose to be in.
There are many ways to practice regaining one’s independence.
- Set boundaries. Gaining awareness of our own physical and emotional body allows us to demand the respect we deserve in accordance with our personal beliefs and values. Speaking up for oneself and upholding our boundaries is the one was to have real self-expression and love
- Learn effective communication skills. Showing that you are aware of their needs, can communicate clearly and can enforce their boundaries leads to better communication by all in any relationship. Even taking a breath or two before responding can create more effective communication.
- Engage in activities you enjoy. Doing activities you enjoy can create an enhanced sense of self. Some examples are: cooking, baking, writing, singing, art, biking, running, a bath, reading, time in nature, sports, photography – the options are limitless. By taking time to do the things you love, you create fulfillment, confidence and joy.
- Spend time alone. Intentional time alone improves wellbeing and mental health, as well as creating confidence. Time alone leads to better reflections of thoughts, feelings and values. It can also lower depression, increase self-esteem and build stronger emotion regulation skills.
- Learn what you can control. Gaining awareness and control over your own thoughts, feelings and actions allows you to release responsibility for that of others.
- Seek therapy or coaching. Professionals can help you understand yourself, your relationships, patterns of behavior and skills. Therapy is helpful to unload your baggage. Coaching is helpful to create and achieve goals.
Independence is great as a stepping stone to being interdependent. However, independence can also be unhealthy in the sense of neither receiving support from anyone, nor being vulnerable with others. If you use the above guidelines as a means to increase the quality of your relationships, they will improve. If you’re struggling with this, seek a professional.
About Interdependence
In interdependent relationships, partners value appreciation of one another, authentic sharing and intimacy, growing as individuals and as a couple (without feeling threatened), and choosing one another (not needing one another). Both partners appreciate the bond they share while also maintaining a solid sense of self within the dynamic. They are close and intertwined, but capable of making their own choices and decisions. Power and responsibility are shared equally, and both partners have healthy self-esteem and are able to express their feelings and needs, as well as listen to and respect the feelings and needs of their partner. They support one another’s independent goals, while retaining a sense of self and individual purpose, and do not rely on one another for specific tasks or praise to feel self-worth.
These individuals utilize many tools and practices to maintain a healthy relationship. Active listening, healthy boundaries, and clear communication allow for both partners to understand and respect one another. Personal time for interests, and taking responsibility for their own behaviors and emotions creates a stronger sense of self and more support within the relationship. Safe space for vulnerability, engaging with and responding to one another, and maintaining approachable body language allows for honesty and support. Saying “no” when needed creates respect, and not hiding parts of themselves to please their partner creates true acceptance and the ability to work on oneself and grow.
Allowing their partner space to explore and know themselves is a vital part in building a nurturing relationship. Both partners know they can receive support, affection and intimacy without losing themselves or fearing being controlled. They support one another, make their own individual life choices, and retain a sense of self that is not dependent on the partner’s affection. This type of relationship comes from a place of safety, both within oneself and within the relationship.
Summation
We all want to feel connected to ourselves and others. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to go about this. Codependent relationships are unhealthy dynamics, where one person needs the other partner, and that partner needs to be needed (basing their identity and worth on the relationship alone). Independence is when a person is capable of managing their life and expressing themselves. It is healthy as long as it allows them to respect themselves and others and be respected by others; it is unhealthy when used as self-defense to distance themselves from others. Interdependent relationships are healthy, where both partners appreciate the bond they share while also maintaining a solid sense of self within the dynamic. This allows for reflection, support and growth for all involved.
If you recognize yourself as being codependent, then now is the time to start taking action to regain your sense of self and recognize your patterns. If you recognize yourself as independent, then using the tools for interdependent relationships can help you have healthier connections. If you recognize yourself as interdependent, then keep doing what you’re doing!
In any case, coaching can help you achieve what you want. Whether you are wanting to regain a sense of self, have more interdependent relationships, or simply creating your next life project to grow yourself and your life – coaching can keep you present to your progress, accountable to yourself and taking steps to realize the life of your dreams. (Coaching is for healthy people who are looking to achieve new goals. If you need healing from the past, please contact a therapist.)
If you are ready to improve your relationships with yourself and others, please contact me to see what coaching can do for you!
Sources:
Berry, Jennifer. “Codependent Relationships: Symptoms, Warning Signs, and Behavior.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 31 Oct. 2017, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873.
Clarke, Jodi. “Interdependence Can Build a Lasting and Safe Relationship.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 26 July 2021, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-based-on-interdependence-4161249.
Codependency – Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency.
Kahn, Jesse. “Codependent vs Interdependent Relationships.” The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, 29 Nov. 2019, https://gstherapycenter.com/blog/2019/11/25/moving-from-codependent-to-interdependent-relationships.
Moore, Marissa. “How to Be More Independent and Less Codependent: 6 Ways.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 8 Dec. 2021, https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-become-more-independent-less-codependent.
“Signs You’re in a Codependent or Interdependent Relationship.” Perth Counselling and Psychotherapy, 20 July 2021, https://perthcounsellingandpsychotherapy.com.au/signs-youre-in-a-codependent-or-interdependent-relationship/#:~:text=While%20codependency%20is%20an%20unequal,be%20able%20to%20operate%20autonomously.&text=People%20in%20interdependent%20relationships%20will,closeness%20with%20the%20other%20person.
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