Personal integration is a key concept in coaching. When we repress part of ourselves, we are not only repressing the qualities or characteristics that we deem negative, but also the strengths that they hold. Our intention in coaching is to distinguish survival strategies (the ways we automatically act in order to avoid having our fears confronted) so that they can be seen, understood, integrated and worked with.
You can think of a survival mechanism/strategy as ego, shadow, inner child, etc. Because these strategies tend to develop in childhood, I like to relate to them as our inner child. Along the course of life, things happen, and we feel all kinds of ways. When something happens, our survival mechanism (ego) quickly processes the information and chooses a way to keep the body safe. And, when things that happen have a tremendous emotional impact (or make us feel like its completely NOT OKAY), our mind can start planning how we’re never going to experience that again!
Here’s one of mine, as an example. When I was in kindergarten, we had some time to draw pictures in a book that we would later be giving to our parents. My teacher was making the rounds and offering encouragement to all the students. When she got to me, she realized I had finished a couple drawings already, and was moving at my own speed. Her reaction?? “You’ve RUINED it!” as she tore up my drawing book. (Apparently, we were only supposed to do one drawing per day.) I was utterly devastated! I had never been treated that way before, and it occurred in my developing psyche as the literal end of the world! I saw no harm in filling all the pages in a book for my parents – they were going to love what I did! But this teacher took issue with my not having listened closely enough to her instructions – and it turned out, that had some pretty intense consequences…
After a couple weeks hiding under the table during drawing time… I chose to listen to and follow instructions precisely, because I could never stand to feel that way or be that big of a disappointment, ever again. And that’s how it went for the next 30 years.
As a child, have you ever… told someone you like them and got rejected? Peed your pants and been made fun of? Received less-than-positive critical feedback from a teacher? Had your body criticized?
These types of events can lead our mind to create stories that keep us from doing things, make us repress our creativity or not put ourselves out there, strive for perfectionism, and create unrealistic goals of how we should be. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
By seeing the ways by which we avoid things, we can discover and recognize these survival mechanisms. We can sometimes even see their point of origin. We can also have compassion for that child who acted in ways that kept us alive, reassure them that they don’t have to do that job anymore, and take our lives back as the fully developed adults we now are.
Here’s the thing about children—they’re adaptable, adventurous, affectionate, brave, cheerful, confident, clever, determined, eager, faithful, friendly, generous, loving, resilient, patient, thoughtful, understanding, wild and willful. Most of us have managed to keep some of these qualities into adulthood, even if not in the same way we had them as children. And, you’ll probably notice that some of these have deteriorated as the “truth” about growing up set in.
By relieving our inner children of the responsibilities they’ve stewarded for us for so long, we can also free them to unlock these qualities for us, and bring them back into our Being! By recognizing, appreciating, forgiving and embracing the choices we’ve made (and where we made them from), we can move forward and make new choices now, and transform who we are.
Be your own hero! I’m here to assist you. Please contact me today!
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